Saturday, November 6, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
the girl at the front of the class
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
the Deep-Six
wishing you were there
drinking
him
Why...
Monday, August 23, 2010
Near End
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Strong
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Truth
Friday, August 20, 2010
Walking Around Eggshells
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Elephant In The Room
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I feel like...
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
to stop loving you
Monday, August 16, 2010
How do you like me now
Sunday, August 15, 2010
The Time Bomb
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The present is no longer a present
Friday, August 13, 2010
Once Successful ...
I know I have simply made it when I can wake up everyday with with a smile, dance around and just love the day!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
What If?
What if?
What if I was to leave?
What if I was to never come back again?
What if I Knew I loved you?
What if I knew you loved me?
What if I was to leave?
What if I was never come back again?
What if you knew about me?
Well, you don't.
You do know who this person is on the outside.
But do you truly know whats going on on the inside.
There's more to me.
There''s a whole another story that you don't have a clue about.
Thats why I'm great at what I do.
Thats why I'm an actor.
A great liar I am.
What if I was lying this whole time
What if every time you asked me if I was fine, I'd lie?
What if I was to always respond with Great or Good?
What if?
What if I was never to leave?
What if I was to come back again?
What if I didn't Know I loved you?
What if I didn't know you loved me?
What if I was to never leave?
What if I was come back again?
What if you didn't know about me?
Well, you do.
How would I rather live? Endlessly without you or shortly with you.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Accepting
Today as I was reading by the lakeshore I saw a mother duck, with her ducklings. As I approached her by the edge of the land I realized that when she tried to quack no sound would come out. I thought to myself “who would ever think of meeting a mute duck”. As the day went on, the sun continued to shine and I carried on reading my book, I had understood that there was actually someone, ( and in this case it was a duck) like me. No I wasn't mute myself, but I had always had trouble doing things the way I was supposed to. I always ate with my utensils each in opposite hands. I had learned to read upside down, before I could read. I had colored everywhere outside the lines and I had always done my homework last question to first. Though I had done everything “improperly” I had always gotten it done, always faster than if I had done it “properly”.
The one thing I had learned from this duck today, was that if she could live her life going about her ways doing what she could do as an animal properly “improperly” , I could too! What had gotten me, was that tough as an animal she couldn't express herself the way she hoped to, she could still do it, as I saw her happy as ever, loving with a family of ducklings. This reassured me that though I had to work around my disability that one day I could also be living the dream I wanted to. Happy, Successful with a Loving family and a husband to discover love with.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Falling
I'm scared to fall in love. Thats why I won't do it. God gives me oppertunites everyday to sezie them but I just cant find myself taking them. I just can't. I don't want to hurt anybody if this ends badly. I just don't want to be a burden to your happiness. I want you to fall in love with someone else. Its for your own good. If your going to fall for me, it will have to be permnent cause I would hate for you to countinue your life knowing that I have effected your life forever. I realized that yes, I would love to fall in love, but I just cant get myself to come to terms with my own reality. Its devistaing that my fate had to play out the way it did, but thats just the way the cards were simply dealt in my life. I don't want to fall in love because I would hate to lose someone who I'd love so greatly. How unfair of me would it be for me to leave and have both our souls simply forever lost in serching for eachother
Monday, August 9, 2010
Beauty Of This World
I know life is unfair, but I think life is beautiful... life is amazing. Its something that changes you each and everyday. Life is a thing that varies person to person. No ones life is the same, and is effected differently in amusing ways . My Life is fairly different from the average teenagers and I really appreciate the exclusive mind I have. Its so interesting thinking about how each of us are so unique, and without each other we wouldn't be the same. I know that God, isn't going to write the answers to my problems in the sand. Life doesn't work out like that. I am grateful that not everything in this life is handed to us on a silver plater, but sometimes I wish some of the answers to my problems were. But think about it, every single person in my life has impacted who I am today. It quite insane knowing that I wouldn't be who I am without you. I know you don't realize it but you have changed me. I feel so prosperous in my happiness. I look around me each day and I become aware of all the miracles that surround me. Its my inspiration. The fact that its so impossible to be as lucky as I am. Thats my proof that God exists. How else could I be surrounded completely with such miracles. Its these miracles that inspire me each day. The world inspires me to live my life to the best and why not? The truth is how could I be unhappy in such a wonderful world I live in. Life is moving, I am loving, my heart is beating , the sun is shining and the wind is blowing. What is keeping my from my dreams? Nothing. But fear.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Why I Can Smile For The Better
A Short Story
"She's got a million dollar smile." they would say as I go from audition, to audition being admired by the casting directors, in my late afternoon auditions. In the mornings I went to school where I was always ridiculed and laughed at for always being so happy. It was nice being able to escape to acting when I felt at the bottom of the food chain. Even when I tried changing schools, people just labeled me as "Happy," almost like I couldn't have any other feelings. I seem to always be happy and constantly happy for the hard fact, that I've seen so much bad in my life that it makes everything compared to what my life used to be so much better. There is no compare of what situations and the things I've seen in my life, to how my life is now. Everything has been so much worse than it is now, all I can do is be happy and constantly grateful for where I am today. This is the story of what brought me to whom I am today.
I am only seven . My lanky 6 foot tall brother walks in the Room as my Mom and I are watching old home videos. He's 19 and confused they say, but I always knew he needed more attention. This week he broke up with his Girlfriend of two years. He proposed to her about 6 months ago thinking she was "the one". Jill was his first real love. You know how it is when you're so young and your hormones make you feel like everything is more of a deal than it really is. He lost everything ever important to Jill. As my Brother had been hiding in his room for a week he came out for the first time. His first social interaction in a long time. He sat beside my Mom as I sit in the couch across. As my mom notices him she tries to not make a dramatic expression, so he doesn't feel uncomfortable. I look around and notice the beauty of this moment. The three of us content and happy for once, remembering the cute moments of my brother I had seen over an over again on videotape of Him on his second birthday dunking his head into the cake and breaking it. At then my parents we're just a bit mad, however the charm in his smile canceled out any anger in their eyes. As I see him laying on my mom shoulder with tears falling from his eyes. My Mom doesn't notice with the time going by so quickly. She gets up to go to go to bed. He is about to fall asleep on the couch, but I give him a smile of happiness , knowing how he can cry sensitively over his old memories as I sweetly watch him fall asleep.
It had only been about 30 seconds since he's been with his eyes closed but then he suddenly wakes up and starts balling his eyes out! He looks to me with all the sadness in the world, and starts saying in a feared voice " I just overdosed on my antidepressants." Being so young, I didn't know what he meant or what to do. I suddenly gave him a giant hug and start crying myself. All the memories I'd ever have with him were compressed into my mind in the single second I hugged him. I couldn't imagine what life would be like if I didn't have him anymore! My mom walks into the room not knowing anything, the only thing on her mind is shepherding us like sheep to our bedrooms. I look at him in the eyes, and he knows what to do. He tells my mom, as I watch aside as I see her world fall apart right in front of her. She falls onto her knees crying. My Mom hugs my brother as she takes him upstairs. I sit here downstairs alone, as I hear the Car door slam from the driveway upstairs and the car zoom off. I sit here in awe, how can my life change so much in an instant. I could never understand how life could be so hard.
I went to bed with my pillowcase drenched of my tears. Not knowing if the brother I loved so much would still be there the next day. I couldn't believe it, the brother whom used to play dress up and house would be gone, The only friend I'd seem to keep at that age wasn't going to come back and be the brother I loved. I woke up the next day in a panic, unsure of what was to come. My parents rushed me to the hospital without a word said since the night before. The car is filled with nothing other than the loud silence of us all knowing what the outcome was.
I rush to the mental ward with both of my parents. The nurse directs us to go to his room where the doctor would be there shortly. I ran past my parents and open the door to his room. All I see is his still body on the bed. I got angry at him for doing such a stupid thing. I went into the corner and fell to the ground in hysterics he was actually gone from my life. A precious life taken away so quickly all for nothing. I notice my parents outside the room eavesdropping on my outburst. I heard them both cry outside the room, for they were both scared to come to the harsh truth. I don't think I can explain the exact felling you get when your best friend dies. It's a rather bitter feeling, and I get it every time something reminds me of him. Everyone tells me I look like him and I have his innocent smile, sometimes I feel like my parents can't look at me the same since then, every time the look at me I know I remind them of him. Whenever I thought of him, I used to blank out for a moment, speechless when this happened but now I've learned to cover it with a smile. I smile because I am grateful for the amount of time he was in my life and how he has impacted it. I hope he knows that for every time I smile, I think of him and I hope it makes him proud in heaven, looking over me.
That was the day I woke up to the world, no more fairies and fables, I realized at a young age that the world was a harsh place. I might of grown up a little too fast, but we all knew it was bound to happen to me soon, we just didn't think I would wake up that quickly. The situation has probably taken a greater toll on my life than it has on anyone else. It always seemed weird to me how people could fuss over little things in life, especially as a teenager I grow up with girls and guys who constantly worry about texting, crushes, music and popularity. Some times I just wish they knew that there is more to life than the little stereotypical things . It seems like the real world is completely blurred out to them as if they are deaf to everyone except themselves. But the thing is without going though all this heartache I probably wouldn't be the same person I am today. It has affected me greatly and it has changed me for the better.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Dear Somebody
I don't understand why I haven't told you any of this earlier. I mean I do care about you. You are someone who has truly inspired me to become a better person. I'm sorry but I didn't want to hurt you if this all went wrong. I thought it would be unfair if we were to become any closer and you were to lose me. I just want you to live a life without having to worry about me. It would be easier. This may hurt but I don't want you to fall for me, the same way I am for you. Yes, I should of told you before I loved you , while we were still friends. Its a hard secret I keep. I keep it from everybody and I do well at it. Its been almost 12 months since I first knew. It took me a month to spill it to one person. Then it took me 9 more months to spill it to the rest of the people who have effected my life. I just couldn't tell you. As I noticed people started to treat me more and more differently, it made me want to tell people less. People like you. The people who made me so inspired. The people who were my guiding light. Now thats why I can't tell you. I'm sorry. Soon enough you will find out, love. But just wait.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Was it just luck?
It all started with vases.
It was the first thing I ever broke.
As I grew up, I became better at breaking more and more things.
I soon stared to break glass, then it was game systems, televisions, and well enough one day I
was able to break hearts.
One day I regretted breaking all these things.
What if I was to re-trace my steps and actully fix the things I once just left broken.
Especially the hearts.
Whenever I dated, It was deep.
They would be the ones asking me all the questions, pursuing me.
They fell in love with me.
I could never understand that.
I never fell as deeply as they did.
Maybe it was alluring to them that I brutally wasn't trying.
My friends always asked “why you? Why not me?
As much as it hurt to hear them question why they were better than me, yet not as lucky
It was true.
They were prettier, easier to talk to and understandably almost perfect.
Was it just that I had always been lucky or was it that I was born knowing, prepossessing and grateful?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Sorry!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A Little About...
For starters I was born in the awfully cold month of February! February the 16th at 5:25 am to be exact. I was born into a loving family of jet setter- christians, To my Parents K and T. Though my house has been my house for 14 years, I still don't count it as my home. It acts more to me as just a house due to the large amount of traveling my parents and I accumulate over a year! My parents had me grow up as an open minded individual. Where I still live a life of risks and dares! For example this year my parents and I took a cruise to Alaska where we went on the worlds largest, highest and fastest Zip-line in the world. I was afraid of heights but I was so excited I ran onto the zip line first. And to be honest I wouldn't ever regret it. Another example was when we took another cruise to the grand cayman islands my parents and I made sure we wouldn't leave without having the island's delicacy: Turtle! I enjoy being able to see,feel,taste,smell and live the many rare attractions and wonders of the world! I am always very grateful for the life I get to live.
This following paragraph might be hard for me. It's always hard for me to list my favorite things because there are not many things in this world I don't love and accept ! So I will just make a gratefully shorter list by mentioning the few things I dislike! I dislike mondays for the uncatchy and ugly word of monday. It doesn't have a nice melodic sound to it which really annoys me! Where most of the english language is filled with beautiful words like Scintilla which usually roll off the tongue beautifully!I love european languages so much more for the sake of the beautiful sound to every word in the vocabulary of the languages in the continent!
(I can fully translate a conversation in German, Spanish or French). As for I also don't enjoy eating pork or beef for the detesting thought of how the bacon I had for breakfast once was a pig that used to roll around in it's own secretion and would eat old garbage scraps. I try to eat vegan or red meat-less as much as possible. I'm okay with having birds or seafood but beef and pork will always "creep" me out! I also have this OCD affect with velvet, corduroy or suede. Those fabrics completely bother me for some reason. It feels like the fabric cuts me when feel any one of them, if thats a better way to explain how it feels. Maybe it's due to the fact that I have hyper-senstive skin cells?
On the note of things I like/dislike I cant help to mention I think I'm going to really like this, for the way this day has gone I might just love this and learn a few things along the process! As for one of my favorite grammar jokes is ; If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Its actually a paradox.... to be exact!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Can You Keep A Secret?
Every night I have a Dream. A dream where the Sun is setting, cars are zooming behind me. There's a Rail in front of me, and I climb on top of it . I look Down and see the golden waters, the waves rippling in sync with the sound of my heart. I am on a bridge, a red bridge. One I used to visit everyday in the warm summers of California as a child. I am in San Francisco as I hear the sound of the ringing bells of the cable cars clearing the roads. This beautiful sound I only hear distantly in the background. I look down. The Sun has set and the waters have turned to black. The beautiful black waters captivate me. The Darkness. I take my last breath on this earth and just jump. Letting everything in this world just go away. Jumping Into the unknown is something I truly fear.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
What was once september...
Every glance feels like a hundred little raindrops on my face
and every touch feels like a million little stars in the sky
When i'm with him I dont know why
Why oh Why time slows by
they say your different and I think that is what makes you so beautiful
for everything you do
You remind me of a nice warm day in the middle of winter
of fairies and sugarplums ever feeling bitter
you make me feel so incredible
when I know I'm with you its impossible
because your just so impeccable
We're defeating the odds and starting to soar
without a worry in the world and our lives ahead of us
I'm sure we'll go far, because when you dream
and live at the same time you end up living your dream
without realizing it!
we are conquering our emotions and accepting them
I think i should tell you everything, every single word to your face
I've never felt this way before and i don't know what to do!
about me and you,
me and you!
I know how you look at me you think of the world! You think of more to life than living young! You have dreams and possibilities and thats what really makes me go insane! I've never met anyone who thinks like me, until i met a guy like you
If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go
Monday, July 5, 2010
Fear
The amount of uncertainty, and fear I feel is truly terrifying. I hate this feeling of doubt in my life. Feeling unconfident in my own decisions worries me. Am I truly making the right decisions if I still never feel positive towards my choices. To think, I used to have all the answers to my questions , I was so sure of myself. I miss that. I remember that sense of feeling full in my heart. Where nothing was missing and I was so strong. So strong and rich of life within me. I was a whole. My personality was so vivid. Life Starts to get difficult when no one can answer your own questions anymore. Not even I know what to say to myself, I'm left speechless every night before I pray. I no longer know what to say. I just pray to see another beautiful day. I'm The only one in the world to ever go through this problem, I know its a terrible wish, but I sincerely do wish there was someone out there I could relate to. I have such amazing people surrounding my life, but no one will truly know what I have to go through on a day to day basis, and I kinda wish there was somebody. Somebody out there like me. So somewhere in my head I feel less of a stranger to the rest of the world. Alien, now thats the perfect word to describe me. I feel completely foreign even when I'm in my own Home. I still feel foreign to the rest of the world, in the way that no one absolutely comprehends the way I think, and how I feel. Please don't take this personally, I deeply care about you. I'm sorry.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Building Anxiety
This fear inside me keeps on eating me up, day by day it gets bigger as each day it takes a part of my life away. What I had once thought it was the light shining within me, but soon proved to be a darkness; a sense of confusion, pain and hurt. This fear has taken over my life. Its captured my own thoughts, emotions and feelings. I've forgotten how to feel anymore. I can no longer tell the difference in what is truly real. Everyday I have to wake up in the morning and realize that another part of me is gone.
My heart is no longer whole. I don't want to surrender to the fear and the worry, I want to win this battle just for the sake that I will know what its feels like to win once again. What doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger I know I've lost from whom I used to be during this process , the real me and please excuse me for my behavior. When I do get better, I can assure you that you will see the light shine once again within me.
Please Don't be scared of whats going on with me, there is nothing wrong with me. .... Wait, That was a lie.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Dear S:
a letter I wrote to myself at the beginning of last September, to be read in 4 years.
Dear S:
What do I say to the "S" of four years ahead? Do I say something utterly Cheesy or Try to impress her with some-sort of large vocabulary I don't even the meanings to? I don't even know what to say! Im actually kinda confused in life right now! I don't know what career I should pursue, where to go with or what to wear! I think if I was to tell my self one thing it would be to never change who I am for the benefit of others. At least I hope O stay true to myself! I would like to stay clean and free of everything. Why would I want my thoughts to be manipulated! I also don't plan on leaving this program for any reason. Im so tired and I'm sorry I have nothing to say! Right now I am just going though some issues! Never forget to thank Mary for helping me out with all my situations! Life is surely going to happen over these four years and i have to be able to handle them with grace and confidence. I hope my dream's and wishes come true! I know that friends and the things that matter the most might change, but the biggest thing is how you accept the changes in life, remember that though any situation God will always be there cheering me on.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Pact for Us.
The Pact for Us
I am a crutch
I am a fighter
I will forever be standing strong
I will have my arms wide open ready to catch the impact of any fall
I will always answer to help my sister
I will always be ready to answer and help my sister
I will never regret every time I use the word love
I will never look back
I will always follow my heart
I will say what I mean, and mean what I say
I will be there for you , forever
We may change as the time goes by, but our friendship may always stand strong
Life is moving, I am loving, My heart is beating, The sun is shining, and the Wind is blowing.
Our love remains
Friends forever, I swear
I mean this more than I believe I have ever
I wish I could cry
but I'm just too proud of us,
and I mean this only in a good way.
Forever standing with a hand ready to hold.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Beside You By Mariana's Trench
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while
And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, I'll be right beside you
When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless
When you try to speak, but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach, but they've never been so loud
And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, I'll be right beside you
I will stay
Nobody will break you
Trust in me, trust in me; don't pull away
Just trust in me, trust in me
Cause I'm just trying to keep this together
Cause I could do worse and you could do better
Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, nobody will break you
And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, nobody will break you