Near End

I smile and realize I will never have to go through this. I hope nobody has to go through life the way I did. Living in such confusion is unfair. I want to help people one day. I know I have a purpose on this earth and I want to find it. I know I use the word's "I want" too often but I am still young and my possibilities and future seems endless in choices.

Strong

What does it mean.

Is it defined by how heavy a weight you carry

or how many times you have carried that weight

and does it matter which type of weight you carry?

It could be emotional, physical or metal

I don't think being strong can be seen

It can only be felt

Almost unknowing

I think strong is when a person can hold back their emotions and go through life normally

but the person is trying to cover up who they are

I like to believe situations can define us in our present

I can't really tell you what strong means unless i've found it myself

People say I'm strong but I can never believe it

Yes I've made it though terrible situations over and over again, but it doesn't make me strong.

Or Maybe It Does?

Truth

I want to tell you

but I can't

I just won't

I want to but i don't want to hurt you

I want to stop pretending that everything is just great with me

I want to tell you the truth.

I worry you would be scared of me

just run away

would you run away

like everyone else did

Walking Around Eggshells

I know its hard to dart a subject that was so important to my life

But its even harder not to address it

trying to forget is hard

I get it, your erasing me from your life

you think it won't hurt me

but it does

you just can't do that to me

I want you to be informed

cause If I leave I want you to know

to realize who I am

The Elephant In The Room

I bet you thats how it feels once you know the truth to me.

I wish you all could know this elephant.

But once you know it,

there is no chance of getting rid of this elephant from your sight.

It opens up all these awkward feelings you never knew existed

it makes the simple idea of just saying "Hi" all the more uncomfortable

I know you all see this elephant

cause I see it too.

I like to believe everyone meets their elephant sometime in this life.

I think Its hard to tell everyone about your elephant .

Knowingly I can only see a few.

This elephant was never brought upon myself

it was always how my cards were just dealt.

I like to wish i had never had this 5 tone animal following me around.

Yet again with out it I wouldn't have the beautiful sprit I have today

I love this Elephant yet in reality I really shouldn't

No one should wish to have an elephant

It has equally ruined my life as it has changed it.

I wish more people would have just ignored the elephant and just talked to me about it

I knew you were all concerned

but its even more concerning to me when i didn't hear you asking me how I was.

Rarely anyone spoke up, yet you all knew.

So Cheers To That Elephant For Being the cause of such a terrible time,

yet showing me who in the crowd really loved me.

I feel like...

I want to change.

I want life to start happening.

I just want the chapter in my life's book to change.

In a Sense I would love to have been luckier

I used to ask myself "why me"

But I know if i've made it this far, God must have kept me for a purpose

I know I'm already so lucky to be living

but I also wonder if what I have gone through has changed me as a person

Would I be a better "me" if i didn't have to go though it all like everyone else?

to stop loving you

Is it because everything in my life has to work in its reverse?

If I love you does that mean that you hate me?

and what if i hate you?

would you love me?

I honestly hate and love you.

does that mean you don't know what to think of me?

or does it mean you hate and love me to?

I can't know longer what to do with you.

I still want to be your friend like we were

I loved you and you loved me but we both grew,

apart.

How do you like me now

I hate you. Why did i have to fall for you. Why did I think you were so special, when you wern't. Was it cause I called dibs on you first. I thought you were special before anyone knew you. Now your the coolest guy and everyone adores you. But me. I hate you so much that I love you. I just love to hate you and I hate to love you. Its always been like that. I feel like i've been so played without you ever noticing me. I know you won't touch me because you know I'm too good for that. I like that, but I hate it too. I want you. I hope one day you and me can work. Cause I've tried to play my life out in my head and it always ends with me and you. I want the day to come where I won't want you anymore. I want to be somewhere in my life one day and be able to laugh in his face for passing by the offer. that is if he wasn't mine.

The Time Bomb

I want to live forever, but how can I if I'm just a ticking time bomb. As each second passes I am without another second. What if this time bomb was to just never end. Never stop ticking. In reality it has to stop but what if it doesn't for a real long time? I don't want to be a time bomb no more but I have no choice. In a sense I'd like for that final explosion not to be so big. Or what if they had disassembled the time bomb. Well yes, while disassembling it could go off. What if I was spared my life of this time bomb. I would never have to worry again. I'd never have to worry about being alone, being far or just having it explode. What a relief that would be?

The present is no longer a present

I hate this part right here.

After he loves you.

He now is with someone else.

We've agreed to be friends, but I still hate it.

It's the same feeling as if an atheist was trying to discuss God with his unknowing friends.

It just doesn't feel right hearing the words "I love you" being replaced with" I love her" or just "goodbye".

At times I feel that I'd rather not talk to you at all, instead of talking.

But I still don't want to forget what you did to my life.

Once Successful ...

I know I have simply made it when I can wake up everyday with with a smile, dance around and just love the day!

What If?

What if?

What if I was to leave?

What if I was to never come back again?

What if I Knew I loved you?

What if I knew you loved me?

What if I was to leave?

What if I was never come back again?

What if you knew about me?

Well, you don't.

You do know who this person is on the outside.

But do you truly know whats going on on the inside.

There's more to me.

There''s a whole another story that you don't have a clue about.

Thats why I'm great at what I do.

Thats why I'm an actor.

A great liar I am.

What if I was lying this whole time

What if every time you asked me if I was fine, I'd lie?

What if I was to always respond with Great or Good?

What if?

What if I was never to leave?

What if I was to come back again?

What if I didn't Know I loved you?

What if I didn't know you loved me?

What if I was to never leave?

What if I was come back again?

What if you didn't know about me?

Well, you do.

How would I rather live? Endlessly without you or shortly with you.

Accepting

Today as I was reading by the lakeshore I saw a mother duck, with her ducklings. As I approached her by the edge of the land I realized that when she tried to quack no sound would come out. I thought to myself “who would ever think of meeting a mute duck”. As the day went on, the sun continued to shine and I carried on reading my book, I had understood that there was actually someone, ( and in this case it was a duck) like me. No I wasn't mute myself, but I had always had trouble doing things the way I was supposed to. I always ate with my utensils each in opposite hands. I had learned to read upside down, before I could read. I had colored everywhere outside the lines and I had always done my homework last question to first. Though I had done everything “improperly” I had always gotten it done, always faster than if I had done it “properly”.

The one thing I had learned from this duck today, was that if she could live her life going about her ways doing what she could do as an animal properly “improperly” , I could too! What had gotten me, was that tough as an animal she couldn't express herself the way she hoped to, she could still do it, as I saw her happy as ever, loving with a family of ducklings. This reassured me that though I had to work around my disability that one day I could also be living the dream I wanted to. Happy, Successful with a Loving family and a husband to discover love with.

Falling

I'm scared to fall in love. Thats why I won't do it. God gives me oppertunites everyday to sezie them but I just cant find myself taking them. I just can't. I don't want to hurt anybody if this ends badly. I just don't want to be a burden to your happiness. I want you to fall in love with someone else. Its for your own good. If your going to fall for me, it will have to be permnent cause I would hate for you to countinue your life knowing that I have effected your life forever. I realized that yes, I would love to fall in love, but I just cant get myself to come to terms with my own reality. Its devistaing that my fate had to play out the way it did, but thats just the way the cards were simply dealt in my life. I don't want to fall in love because I would hate to lose someone who I'd love so greatly. How unfair of me would it be for me to leave and have both our souls simply forever lost in serching for eachother

Beauty Of This World

I know life is unfair, but I think life is beautiful... life is amazing. Its something that changes you each and everyday. Life is a thing that varies person to person. No ones life is the same, and is effected differently in amusing ways . My Life is fairly different from the average teenagers and I really appreciate the exclusive mind I have. Its so interesting thinking about how each of us are so unique, and without each other we wouldn't be the same. I know that God, isn't going to write the answers to my problems in the sand. Life doesn't work out like that. I am grateful that not everything in this life is handed to us on a silver plater, but sometimes I wish some of the answers to my problems were. But think about it, every single person in my life has impacted who I am today. It quite insane knowing that I wouldn't be who I am without you. I know you don't realize it but you have changed me. I feel so prosperous in my happiness. I look around me each day and I become aware of all the miracles that surround me. Its my inspiration. The fact that its so impossible to be as lucky as I am. Thats my proof that God exists. How else could I be surrounded completely with such miracles. Its these miracles that inspire me each day. The world inspires me to live my life to the best and why not? The truth is how could I be unhappy in such a wonderful world I live in. Life is moving, I am loving, my heart is beating , the sun is shining and the wind is blowing. What is keeping my from my dreams? Nothing. But fear.

Why I Can Smile For The Better

A Short Story

"She's got a million dollar smile." they would say as I go from audition, to audition being admired by the casting directors, in my late afternoon auditions. In the mornings I went to school where I was always ridiculed and laughed at for always being so happy. It was nice being able to escape to acting when I felt at the bottom of the food chain. Even when I tried changing schools, people just labeled me as "Happy," almost like I couldn't have any other feelings. I seem to always be happy and constantly happy for the hard fact, that I've seen so much bad in my life that it makes everything compared to what my life used to be so much better. There is no compare of what situations and the things I've seen in my life, to how my life is now. Everything has been so much worse than it is now, all I can do is be happy and constantly grateful for where I am today. This is the story of what brought me to whom I am today.

I am only seven . My lanky 6 foot tall brother walks in the Room as my Mom and I are watching old home videos. He's 19 and confused they say, but I always knew he needed more attention. This week he broke up with his Girlfriend of two years. He proposed to her about 6 months ago thinking she was "the one". Jill was his first real love. You know how it is when you're so young and your hormones make you feel like everything is more of a deal than it really is. He lost everything ever important to Jill. As my Brother had been hiding in his room for a week he came out for the first time. His first social interaction in a long time. He sat beside my Mom as I sit in the couch across. As my mom notices him she tries to not make a dramatic expression, so he doesn't feel uncomfortable. I look around and notice the beauty of this moment. The three of us content and happy for once, remembering the cute moments of my brother I had seen over an over again on videotape of Him on his second birthday dunking his head into the cake and breaking it. At then my parents we're just a bit mad, however the charm in his smile canceled out any anger in their eyes. As I see him laying on my mom shoulder with tears falling from his eyes. My Mom doesn't notice with the time going by so quickly. She gets up to go to go to bed. He is about to fall asleep on the couch, but I give him a smile of happiness , knowing how he can cry sensitively over his old memories as I sweetly watch him fall asleep.

It had only been about 30 seconds since he's been with his eyes closed but then he suddenly wakes up and starts balling his eyes out! He looks to me with all the sadness in the world, and starts saying in a feared voice " I just overdosed on my antidepressants." Being so young, I didn't know what he meant or what to do. I suddenly gave him a giant hug and start crying myself. All the memories I'd ever have with him were compressed into my mind in the single second I hugged him. I couldn't imagine what life would be like if I didn't have him anymore! My mom walks into the room not knowing anything, the only thing on her mind is shepherding us like sheep to our bedrooms. I look at him in the eyes, and he knows what to do. He tells my mom, as I watch aside as I see her world fall apart right in front of her. She falls onto her knees crying. My Mom hugs my brother as she takes him upstairs. I sit here downstairs alone, as I hear the Car door slam from the driveway upstairs and the car zoom off. I sit here in awe, how can my life change so much in an instant. I could never understand how life could be so hard.

I went to bed with my pillowcase drenched of my tears. Not knowing if the brother I loved so much would still be there the next day. I couldn't believe it, the brother whom used to play dress up and house would be gone, The only friend I'd seem to keep at that age wasn't going to come back and be the brother I loved. I woke up the next day in a panic, unsure of what was to come. My parents rushed me to the hospital without a word said since the night before. The car is filled with nothing other than the loud silence of us all knowing what the outcome was.

I rush to the mental ward with both of my parents. The nurse directs us to go to his room where the doctor would be there shortly. I ran past my parents and open the door to his room. All I see is his still body on the bed. I got angry at him for doing such a stupid thing. I went into the corner and fell to the ground in hysterics he was actually gone from my life. A precious life taken away so quickly all for nothing. I notice my parents outside the room eavesdropping on my outburst. I heard them both cry outside the room, for they were both scared to come to the harsh truth. I don't think I can explain the exact felling you get when your best friend dies. It's a rather bitter feeling, and I get it every time something reminds me of him. Everyone tells me I look like him and I have his innocent smile, sometimes I feel like my parents can't look at me the same since then, every time the look at me I know I remind them of him. Whenever I thought of him, I used to blank out for a moment, speechless when this happened but now I've learned to cover it with a smile. I smile because I am grateful for the amount of time he was in my life and how he has impacted it. I hope he knows that for every time I smile, I think of him and I hope it makes him proud in heaven, looking over me.

That was the day I woke up to the world, no more fairies and fables, I realized at a young age that the world was a harsh place. I might of grown up a little too fast, but we all knew it was bound to happen to me soon, we just didn't think I would wake up that quickly. The situation has probably taken a greater toll on my life than it has on anyone else. It always seemed weird to me how people could fuss over little things in life, especially as a teenager I grow up with girls and guys who constantly worry about texting, crushes, music and popularity. Some times I just wish they knew that there is more to life than the little stereotypical things . It seems like the real world is completely blurred out to them as if they are deaf to everyone except themselves. But the thing is without going though all this heartache I probably wouldn't be the same person I am today. It has affected me greatly and it has changed me for the better.

Dear Somebody

I don't understand why I haven't told you any of this earlier. I mean I do care about you. You are someone who has truly inspired me to become a better person. I'm sorry but I didn't want to hurt you if this all went wrong. I thought it would be unfair if we were to become any closer and you were to lose me. I just want you to live a life without having to worry about me. It would be easier. This may hurt but I don't want you to fall for me, the same way I am for you. Yes, I should of told you before I loved you , while we were still friends. Its a hard secret I keep. I keep it from everybody and I do well at it. Its been almost 12 months since I first knew. It took me a month to spill it to one person. Then it took me 9 more months to spill it to the rest of the people who have effected my life. I just couldn't tell you. As I noticed people started to treat me more and more differently, it made me want to tell people less. People like you. The people who made me so inspired. The people who were my guiding light. Now thats why I can't tell you. I'm sorry. Soon enough you will find out, love. But just wait.

Was it just luck?

It all started with vases.

It was the first thing I ever broke.

As I grew up, I became better at breaking more and more things.

I soon stared to break glass, then it was game systems, televisions, and well enough one day I

was able to break hearts.

One day I regretted breaking all these things.

What if I was to re-trace my steps and actully fix the things I once just left broken.

Especially the hearts.

Whenever I dated, It was deep.

They would be the ones asking me all the questions, pursuing me.

They fell in love with me.

I could never understand that.

I never fell as deeply as they did.

Maybe it was alluring to them that I brutally wasn't trying.

My friends always asked “why you? Why not me?

As much as it hurt to hear them question why they were better than me, yet not as lucky

It was true.

They were prettier, easier to talk to and understandably almost perfect.

Was it just that I had always been lucky or was it that I was born knowing, prepossessing and grateful?

Sorry!

Sorry, For being away for so long! I went back to School during the summer to be able to finish school earlier and easier. :) Great for me, but I understand it was terrible of me, not to post anything. :( sorry! - Sasha

p.s. I got some great posts coming along!